You came into my life like a hurricane, and I was in awe of your greatness. You were this raging storm, but you brought everything I needed. Your rain watered seeds I needed to grow, your winds uprooted and uplifted my spirits, your lightning brightened my days and my nights. You stayed for days; a minute span of time when I look back on it. Throughout the entire length that you were here, I was in awe of you. I fell in love with the whole beautiful and destructive mess. And yes, I say destructive because by the end of it, you ruined me. You broke my foundation, you tore the roof off my structure, and you left me in shambles.

Altogether it was about 2 and a half years of my life, our lives. We met for the first time on a cold December day in one the prayer rooms at our church, right across from the Starbucks. You were an intern there, and I was highly involved in several ministries. We had both been asked to co-lead a mission trip to Guatemala. I didn’t know then what you would come to mean to me. I didn’t fall in love with you at first sight. There were no immediate sparks. I was dating somebody else at the time, and you were too. We got to know each other over the course of the few months leading up to our trip during our team meetings, and still nothing. No sparks. Until our trip. At least that’s when it happened for me. One night all six of us leaders were playing cards in a coffee shop and I realized how funny you were. Our eyes locked during one of those moments and I knew I was in trouble.

Our first date was unforgettable. I almost cancelled on you because I woke up feeling extremely sore from a previous days workout and didn’t think I’d be able to move from my bed all day. Instead you told me to get ready, made the hour drive, and bought me icy-hot and my favorite Powerade. I sucked it up and took you out on the town. You had never been to Dahlonega before; my favorite little college town. I was in my final summer semester there. We drove around the city, I showed you my favorite spots and told you countless stories about my time there in school. We walked around the square, weaved in and out of shops, and decided to eat dinner at this tiny little cafe that had live music. We laughed the entire time. Mostly because the lady singing had the most hilarious narratives about these towns we are pretty sure she made up. I’m glad I didn’t cancel on you.

Our next date you taught me the basics of how to play my guitar. And you kissed me for the first time. It was magical. From that day on, we were inseparable (even though several times we were actually separated by distance). It was the stuff you see in the movies. We hung out as often as we could. We were constantly texting and calling each other. We went to the movies, we prayed together,  we went on dinner dates, we bounced newly discovered music off each other, we spent our summer days at the pool drinking beer out of Styrofoam cups. You were my best friend. I told you everything. You held me when I cried about something stupid. You watched soccer with me. You knew every song lyric I posted on Twitter. You talked with me about beer. You rooted for the Braves with me, even though you’re an Orioles fan. You kept me laughing. You helped me furnish my townhouse. You always brought me medicine and soup when I was sick. You would randomly show up at my place with Redbox movies. You saw the stars in my eyes and told me you never wanted to live in a world without me. I was in awe of you. I think in some ways I still am. You were my person.

I don’t think I realized when I pushed you away for the last time, that it’d really be the last time. Who knew you’d take the words “Don’t ever talk to me again” so seriously? I don’t believe (at the time) I fully ever accepted that you would leave and never come back. I don’t regret it though, any of it. Because you left, I learned how to pick pieces of myself up and put them back together. I learned to be careful with my heart and who I let in. I learned that sometimes, even if you are intentional in your relationships, they just don’t work out. Thank you for being my hardest fall, because you were also my greatest lesson.

XOXO